I had surgery 3 weeks ago tomorrow. 21 long days ago. It seems like it was yesterday and it seems like it was months ago.
I ripped my ACL and meniscus back in November playing leapfrog (there is a great post on this back in November). Well, surgery has come and gone...but I am still disabled...21 days later. I am in a massive brace and I am on crutches...still. awesome.
This has been one of the most humbling and hardest seasons I have ever "walked" through. I am not even able to fully walk on my own yet...and probably won't be without crutches for another 2 - 3 weeks. After crutches are done, I will still be in my brace for about 4 months. I won't be fully healed until about October. Yep, October. The good news is that I can't get back into running until then. ha! (the best part of this whole surgery thing)
I ripped my ACL and meniscus back in November playing leapfrog (there is a great post on this back in November). Well, surgery has come and gone...but I am still disabled...21 days later. I am in a massive brace and I am on crutches...still. awesome.
This has been one of the most humbling and hardest seasons I have ever "walked" through. I am not even able to fully walk on my own yet...and probably won't be without crutches for another 2 - 3 weeks. After crutches are done, I will still be in my brace for about 4 months. I won't be fully healed until about October. Yep, October. The good news is that I can't get back into running until then. ha! (the best part of this whole surgery thing)
I went to the DMV today and got to pick up my handicap permit for my car. I haven't needed it until this week. The first week I was on bed rest. Week 2 I was crazy enough to go to Chicago for Midwinter. This is week 3 and I have had the stomach flu for more than half of it. Today was the first day I really could make use of a handicap permit. I made my first attempt at the grocery store.
As I got to the grocery store, I tried to just put my crutches in the normal cart and lean on it as I went along. This nice lady with long dreadlocks just looked at me as said, "honey, I think that isn't going to work too well. You are gonna need to use one of those mechanical carts." I had already gone inside to check them out, but felt really lame...caught somewhere between 12 and 74. I was either between a 12 year old trying to get away with driving it when nothing was really wrong at all and I was faking a broken leg... or a 74 year old lady that just can't make it getting her milk on her own. The dredlock lady just kept helping me with lots of concern. "Umm, Let me find you someone that can unlock it for you. do you need help shopping?" Wow, I felt overwhelmed by now. I just wanted to leave and go home without my juice and bread I wanted. But, I did, after all, get the best rock star parking spot possible at the grocery store. I practically got to park inside of Ralph's. It was amazing.
So, I went for it. I drove the motorized cart, similar to the picture at the top, around Ralph's tonight. I was freaked out. I started out being SO embarrassed. I know I was red faced for at least a whole 3 minutes. Some lame girl would stare at me next to the bananas, but not move an inch when it came for me to actually try to get by her. "What the heck?", I was thinking to myself. Is it not obvious enough that I am stuck on this cart...with my dang crutches stuck between my legs? "excuse me, please." is what I managed to squeeze out.
I only ended up hitting the checkout stand once with the cart. I really rammed it without realizing that my thumb was still on the trigger to make it move forward. whoops. I definitely asked for help out to my car. It might have been the first time that I did ask for help out to the car.
I don't think that I would have made it through these past 21 days without some of the help I have received from Lori, John, Liam, Kim, Corey or many others. I want to tell you about Bonnie. She is the angel who brought me to surgery and stayed with me through the morning. She came to visit every day after surgery before I left for Chicago. She brought movies, stories, treats, and always encouragement. The thing about Bonnie is that she has been dealing with knee issues for 5 full years! She messed up her knee skiing and it has never been the same. She has literally gone all over the US for doctor's appointments. Not much has come through for her at all. She is starting to get to her breaking point. 5 years of being disabled, of being on at least one crutch, of going to doctor's appointments, of getting MRI's and doing multiple surgeries. She is the one that has been encouraging me on the most in this battle, and it kills me that she isn't feeling encouraged with her own health. It isn't fair.
While I was in Chicago at this conference, I decided to be in a wheelchair because there would be a lot of standing around and sitting would help the issue quite a bit 7 days after surgery. BOY, this was the best decision ever. BUT this also meant that I really needed people to push me around and help me out with EVERYTHING. It was super humbling and hard. While I was there, I knew another girl about my age was at midwinter with Lupus and also in a chair. Her health was so terrible that she spent one day in the ER dealing with medical stuff. She deals with this on a daily basis...and I am getting it for one lousy month.
My whole world vision has changed for the disabled of the world. I ache for them. It full on sucks to be disabled and it isn't fair. One of my best friends from high school was paralyzed my senior year. It changed my life then...and only now am I starting to understand, mind you, 10 years later, how it has changed her life too. Same story with my cousin just a few years ago. The word humbling doesn't really put the whole situation into focus for the normal person on the street. I am sorry.
So, as I am learning about myself and about life, I am reflecting on Jesus' love for me. How he loves me no matter what shape I am in. How I am so frustrated about my circumstances and how he just wants me to love him faithfully. Faithfully and contently. Contently following and loving Jesus at any cost isn't easy. I understand more fully now why there are stories in the Bible about healing, healing of the body, of the soul, of the mind, of the heart. Jesus cares so much about our brokenness. He cares that we are hurting...but he so deeply wants us to know that he loves us in the midst of it... and that it is ok to hurt.
So, when I am fully healed in October, what is my response going to be? I really pray that I don't forget how these past 3 weeks have rocked my physical, my emotional, my mental, my relational worlds in huge ways. I pray that I will have more empathy for those who are going through pain, of any kind. I pray that I will continue to slow down in life as I have been forced to this month. I pray that I will continue to see Jesus and bits of encouragement in the smaller things. I pray that I will be a "Bonnie" of encouragement to others who are hurting...even when I still may be hurting myself. I pray that the God of healing and encouragement and faithfulness and love will be real. Real and present.
As I got to the grocery store, I tried to just put my crutches in the normal cart and lean on it as I went along. This nice lady with long dreadlocks just looked at me as said, "honey, I think that isn't going to work too well. You are gonna need to use one of those mechanical carts." I had already gone inside to check them out, but felt really lame...caught somewhere between 12 and 74. I was either between a 12 year old trying to get away with driving it when nothing was really wrong at all and I was faking a broken leg... or a 74 year old lady that just can't make it getting her milk on her own. The dredlock lady just kept helping me with lots of concern. "Umm, Let me find you someone that can unlock it for you. do you need help shopping?" Wow, I felt overwhelmed by now. I just wanted to leave and go home without my juice and bread I wanted. But, I did, after all, get the best rock star parking spot possible at the grocery store. I practically got to park inside of Ralph's. It was amazing.
So, I went for it. I drove the motorized cart, similar to the picture at the top, around Ralph's tonight. I was freaked out. I started out being SO embarrassed. I know I was red faced for at least a whole 3 minutes. Some lame girl would stare at me next to the bananas, but not move an inch when it came for me to actually try to get by her. "What the heck?", I was thinking to myself. Is it not obvious enough that I am stuck on this cart...with my dang crutches stuck between my legs? "excuse me, please." is what I managed to squeeze out.
I only ended up hitting the checkout stand once with the cart. I really rammed it without realizing that my thumb was still on the trigger to make it move forward. whoops. I definitely asked for help out to my car. It might have been the first time that I did ask for help out to the car.
I don't think that I would have made it through these past 21 days without some of the help I have received from Lori, John, Liam, Kim, Corey or many others. I want to tell you about Bonnie. She is the angel who brought me to surgery and stayed with me through the morning. She came to visit every day after surgery before I left for Chicago. She brought movies, stories, treats, and always encouragement. The thing about Bonnie is that she has been dealing with knee issues for 5 full years! She messed up her knee skiing and it has never been the same. She has literally gone all over the US for doctor's appointments. Not much has come through for her at all. She is starting to get to her breaking point. 5 years of being disabled, of being on at least one crutch, of going to doctor's appointments, of getting MRI's and doing multiple surgeries. She is the one that has been encouraging me on the most in this battle, and it kills me that she isn't feeling encouraged with her own health. It isn't fair.
While I was in Chicago at this conference, I decided to be in a wheelchair because there would be a lot of standing around and sitting would help the issue quite a bit 7 days after surgery. BOY, this was the best decision ever. BUT this also meant that I really needed people to push me around and help me out with EVERYTHING. It was super humbling and hard. While I was there, I knew another girl about my age was at midwinter with Lupus and also in a chair. Her health was so terrible that she spent one day in the ER dealing with medical stuff. She deals with this on a daily basis...and I am getting it for one lousy month.
My whole world vision has changed for the disabled of the world. I ache for them. It full on sucks to be disabled and it isn't fair. One of my best friends from high school was paralyzed my senior year. It changed my life then...and only now am I starting to understand, mind you, 10 years later, how it has changed her life too. Same story with my cousin just a few years ago. The word humbling doesn't really put the whole situation into focus for the normal person on the street. I am sorry.
So, as I am learning about myself and about life, I am reflecting on Jesus' love for me. How he loves me no matter what shape I am in. How I am so frustrated about my circumstances and how he just wants me to love him faithfully. Faithfully and contently. Contently following and loving Jesus at any cost isn't easy. I understand more fully now why there are stories in the Bible about healing, healing of the body, of the soul, of the mind, of the heart. Jesus cares so much about our brokenness. He cares that we are hurting...but he so deeply wants us to know that he loves us in the midst of it... and that it is ok to hurt.
So, when I am fully healed in October, what is my response going to be? I really pray that I don't forget how these past 3 weeks have rocked my physical, my emotional, my mental, my relational worlds in huge ways. I pray that I will have more empathy for those who are going through pain, of any kind. I pray that I will continue to slow down in life as I have been forced to this month. I pray that I will continue to see Jesus and bits of encouragement in the smaller things. I pray that I will be a "Bonnie" of encouragement to others who are hurting...even when I still may be hurting myself. I pray that the God of healing and encouragement and faithfulness and love will be real. Real and present.
2 comments:
I was wondering when you were going to appear again -- I've been praying for you and started to worry a bit. Glad to hear that God's teaching you and growing you through this tough season. Hopefully we can talk soon.
Love you!
dude, that's awesome story. yeah, i can relate with the whole crutches thing. last year, I lived on a third floor of a walk-up. i hope your recovery process goes well. the first couple months are tough at PT but before you know it you'll be running on the beach in no time! oh, and bring a stick to PT to bite down on when they stretch you. s
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